Why I Support Donald Trump

1. Firstly, it would be hilarious. The image of this grinning, mouldy tea-bag of a man walking onto the stage against the backdrop of the Star-Spangled Banner is a source of endless entertainment.

2. There’s no room for sanity on the world-stage. Trump would be hoisted to the heady heights of Putin and Xi Jinping— two megalomaniacal autocrats whose iron knuckles scrape the floor. One subtle difference is that while Putin and Xinping like to swallow people and countries whole, Trump prefers to spit them out. He might have to consider invading Ottawa if he wants to gain any respect from those particular peers.

3. It would do justice to the American political system. When sensible Republican candidates sink to the bottom of the barrel leaving one rotten apple who probably kisses the bathroom mirror every morning and another who thinks the Pyramids were built by the Tony the Tiger, is it not time for a quick reassessment?

4.  Because money does equal power. If Trump didn’t get that million-dollar loan on which to build his Empire, he’d probably just be the drunken, racist driveller at your local bar complaining about the sober Mexican guy who took his job.  The only reason the world is subjected to his ill-formed opinions is because of the bulge in his back pocket.

5. Peace in Syria. He would most likely accidentally re-direct airstrikes towards Slovenia, ironically killing thousands of innocent Syrians queuing up at the border, clambering over each other for a dose of the racist indifference that awaits them.

6. Revolutionising men’s hair. Out with the Kim Jong-Un look, the kids of tomorrow will ask their barber to blow-dry the road-kill they have sellotaped to their head. Anything to look like our new Imperial overlord.

7. He’ll provide thousands of jobs to migrant bricklayers who will find themselves marveling at their achievement from their home country.

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One thought on “Why I Support Donald Trump

  1. I wish I could take your attitude and apply it to my own country’s hillbilly political party that just won the elections. It’s a bit harder knowing you must live here and create your own mind/life bubble in order to survive such amount of stupidity that surrounds you. Greetings from Croatia!

    Like

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